Anyone who has hoped that a camel could pass through the eye of a needle—sign up today to support the Niklaus Experiment.
Recently detached from the lethal projects of his former consortium (the sort that works with uranium, cobalt, and hydrogen), Arpad Niklaus has directed his present research toward a radically charitable and humanitarian end: saving the souls of the rich.
He is proposing a science plan to disintegrate a camel and make it pass in a stream of electrons through the eye of a needle. A receiving apparatus (much like a TV screen) will rearrange the electrons into atoms, the atoms into molecules, and the molecules into cells, effectively reassembling the camel according to its original structure. Niklaus has already succeeded in transporting a droplet of heavy water without the aid of physical contact. He also managed to measure, as far as discretization of matter allows, the quantum energy that is released from a camel’s hoof. We will not uselessly burden the reader with the astronomically large figure.
The only research barrier that Professor Niklaus now faces is the need for his very own nuclear plant. These facilities, as vast as cities, are incredibly costly. However, a special committee has now formed to solve this simply financial problem by means of a capital campaign. The very first contributions, still just starting to trickle in, are already funding the publication of thousands of informational pamphlets, explainers, and prospectuses, as well as securing Professor Niklaus a modest salary that will allow him to pursue his theoretical research and initial calculations while the immense research compounds are under construction.
At the moment, the committee has only acquired the camel and the needle. As animal protection societies approve of the project, which is harmless and even positively healthy (Niklaus has commented that the regeneration of all cells is highly probable), zoos across the country are offering a veritable caravan. New York City did not hesitate to propose her famous white dromedary.
Regarding the needle—Arpad Niklaus settles for nothing less than the state of the art. Indeed, he considers the needle a cornerstone of the whole experiment. Knowing that not just any needle will do, Niklaus has labored and birthed this spectacular item by the sweat of his talented brow. At first glance, it could be confused for an ordinary sewing needle; and in fact, Mrs. Niklaus, proving her acute sense of humor, sometimes does like to stitch her husband’s clothing with it. Nonetheless, its value is infinite. It is made of a stupendous alloy that remains unclassified, and the chemical symbol at which Niklaus has dimly hinted seems to suggest a compound related exclusively to isotopes of nickel. The mysterious substance has given…
